Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Woody Allen Quotations
We found 66 matching quotations.
Eternity is very long, especially towards the end.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Should I marry W. Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A DOE
Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.
Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles slowly at some leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts coughing and drops dead.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
How to make God laugh: Tell him your future plans.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman
Thought: why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7, it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
My Lord, my Lord! What hast Thou done, lately?
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Whosover loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
The wicked at heart probably know something.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I am at two with nature.
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.
To you I'm an atheist to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
We were married by a reformed rabbi in Long Island. A very reformed rabbi. A Nazi.