My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.
Steven Wright Quotations
We found 32 matching quotations.
Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
What's another word for thesaurus?
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.