The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.

It had only one fault. It was kind of lousy.

Its better to know some of the questions, than all of the answers.

Her own mother lived the latter years of her life in the horrible suspicion that electricity was dripping invisibly all over the house.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation.

A husband should not insult his wife publicly, at parties. He should insult her in the privacy of the home.

He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes.

Human Dignity has gleamed only now and then and here and there, in lonely splendor, throughout the ages, a hope of the better men, never an achievement of the majority.

The wit makes fun of other persons the satirist makes fun of the world the humorist makes fun of himself.

I loathe the expression "What makes him tick." It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm.

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.

Early to rise and early to bed Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.

There are two kinds of light -- the glow that illumines, and the glare that obscures.

There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people--that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.

I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.

Let us not look back in anger, or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

I hate women because they always know where things are.