I bet what happened was, they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day. Then, that night, they burned the wheel.
Jack Handey Deep Thoughts Quotations
We found 76 matching quotations.
You know what makes good hair for a snow man REAL hair. Don't ask me why, but it works.
When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve something that stings you, then laughs at you.
If I could be a bird, I think I'd be a penguin, because then I could walk around on two feet with a lot of other guys like me.
If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away.
Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the STILTS It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.
If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple
I hope that after I die, people will say of me 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'
Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would know sensuality if it bit her on the ass.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't.
Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.
Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet.
Let's be honest Isn't a lot of what we call tap dancing really just nerves
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Marta says the interesting thing about fly-fishing is that it's two lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Marta. Grow up.
Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows but without that noise.
Just as bees will swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs.
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our 'friend.'
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back.
My new millionaire idea is one regular shoe and one 'swollen' shoe, for when you get bit by a rattlesnake.
Too bad there's not such a thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be PROUD to be sprayed by one.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby Maybe we'll never know.
A quiz If I am my brother's keeper, who am I (Answer me.)
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
I think my favorite monster movie is 'Gone With the Wind', because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster.
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF Is anyone listening to me
Sometimes I think the so-called experts actually ARE experts.
Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn up.
I don't say that the bird is 'good' or the bat is 'bad.' But I will say this At least the bird is less nude.
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you.
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake.
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo, I'd have all my money back.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.
Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings.
I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.
If I ever become a mummy, I'm going to have it so when somebody opens my lid, a boxing glove on a spring shoots out.
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did Good for him
Laurie got offended that I used the word 'puke.' But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm patriotic enough. Yes, I want to kill people, but on both sides.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.