I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Weather forcast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Keep thy religion to thyself.

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Hobbies cost money but interests are free.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montanta, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?