Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say that there is more stupidity than hydrogen, and that is the basic building block of the universe.

There is more stupidity then hydrogen in the universe and it has a longer shelf life.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world.

If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to a library.

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.

The United States is a nation of laws badly written and randomly enforced.

Drop out of school before your mind rots from our mediocre educational system.

Stupidity has a certain charm - ignorance does not.

The function of government ought to be: make sure you have good water to drink, somebody picking up the garbage, good roads to drive on, enough electricity to turn your light bulbs and your record player on, and whatever smaller amounts of regulatory assistance is necessary to make this society work.

My best advice to anyone who wants to raise a happy, mentally healthy child is: Keep him or her as far away from a church as you can.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians.

Rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read.

I think it is good that books still exist, but they make me sleepy.

Art is making something out of nothing and selling it.

Everybody believes in something and everybody, by virtue of the fact that they believe in something, use that something to support their own existence.